Beauty is something that I'm finally getting a grasp on. As an artist (that alone is hard to say, but yes, I am one), I see beauty all around me. I understand it. I'm immersed in it. What I never could understand was that I was beautiful (that was hard just to even write that!).
I was that girl in high school that was invisible or tried to be. I never really could, well let's face it, no 250 lb person can. If someone were to look up "tomboy" in the dictionary, they would find a picture of me. Beauty (the essence of a woman) was foreign to me. Strength (the essence of a man) on the other hand was not. I saw beauty as a weakness. If you were beautiful, you were shallow. It was never good and evil.
I've finally discovered, after much convincing and late night chats with friends, that I am beautiful. My soul longs for it. I have something to offer.
In the book Captivating, Stasi Elderedge explains that woman's beauty is a gift and we (women, of course) need to offer our hearts. We have a gift. It's called presence. It is rare and beautiful (and sometimes intoxicating).
We have to unleash it. To be vulnerable. It's not easy, but it is divine! When a woman lets her guard down and her heart is revealed, men will be floored. Now, I'm not saying this to get for the purposes of attracting men (we already do that because, well, we are women and have boobs), but to reveal who you are. Stasi later states that, "the scariest thing for women is to offer our beauty in situations where we don't know if it will make a difference. Or worse, that we will be rejected. For our Question is, Am I lovely? And to be rejected is to hear a resounding, No. A woman does not want to offer her beauty unless she is guarenteed that it will be well recieved. But life offers no such guarentees. We, too, must take risks."
Beauty is not what is on the outside, contrary to popular belief; it is on the inside. When it is ignited, watch out! It is incredible! My grandma Lucy one of of the most beautiful people in the world. She had the best role model, my great-grandma Glenice. She was incredible! She loved God and loved others. She raised four wonderful children and was able to see fifteen out of seventeen of her grandchildren grow up. She was an amazing painist. Even though I was only able to see her for a few years, I was lucky enough to see her soul. The beauty that was displayed in this woman was passed down to her children, then grandchildren and now to her great-grandchildren. My grandma Lucy is an exact replica of Glenice. She has the sweetest deminer even when life is crashing down around her.
What I have seen with true beauty is that we (the women) cannot be validated by a man. We will never be satified and will most likely push them away. We will enter into the long spiral downwards that has us doubt and maybe not want to exist. We have to be validated by the God who gave us life. He created us. He knows us and wants to be invited into our hearts to hear the sorrows, the joy, the tears and our worries.
"Every woman posseses a captivating beauty. Every woman. But for most of us, it has been long buried, wounded, and captive. It takes time for it to emerge into wholeness. It needs to be culivated, restored, and set free" - Captivating
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Unleashing the Beauty of a Woman's Soul
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Step away the frog
Letting go has been one of the hardest concepts to accept. When you have someone that you want to hold on to, you want to keep them with you and hope that maybe, just maybe, you could be with them forever. So, in essence, the hardest thing to do is knowing if you should let them go. If that is a yes, then how to know if it’s the right thing to do. For me, it has been easier to let someone go when you know there is no potential for the relationship to go further. There is a gut feeling that either is silently whispering or is screaming at you (maybe even somewhere in between).
I recently had to go through this within the last few months. I liked a guy for 5 months before I realized that there was no potential in pursuing anything besides a friendship. We met when we were studying abroad in the Yosemite area. He was great! He was sensitive, bold, he even had dreads (not a standard, but a plus). He hit every standard I wanted and he even exceeded some of them. Oh and did I mention his piercing blue eyes. I didn’t. Oh silly me… mmm… *smack* anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes. Studying abroad. Well, we had some rules that the students made which we all had to agree to. One of them was “No dating”. Stab to the heart, my life was over. Okay, not really. This was actually the best thing that could have happened. I got to know him and get passed the whole “does he like me? Is he staring at me? Do you think he knows I like him?” stage. All you girls know this stage. Its called torture. (And yes, I know guys have this stage too). So, I couldn’t date him. Not a big deal. He couldn’t take me out on a date anyways because we couldn’t have a car (yes, another rule). So after getting to know him, the dreaded Christmas break came (no pun intended) and we parted ways.
As soon as Christmas break was over, I had to see him. I was so happy when I was with him. I didn’t want to be clingy but I wanted to be around him. I wanted everything to be like it was, like we never left. When I did see him, something wasn’t the same. It was off. It was like he was physically there but the guy I knew was gone. He was distant (problem 1). He didn’t make an effort to see me. I was doing all the leg work (problem 2). By the way, I don’t mind doing my part and putting effort in a relationship. I just don’t want to be doing everything and getting nothing in return. Even with these signs staring at me straight in the face, I still ignored them (problem 3).
About one month later, I finally realized what was going on. He wasn’t into me, not in that way. I decided that it wasn’t healthy. I was hurting myself by trying to keep something going when it was never going the direction I wanted. I had to let go.
Later that week, I found out he asked a girl from back home to be his girlfriend. He liked her before he ever knew I existed. I never crossed his mind. But even after all this, I couldn’t be happier for them.
So there are signs. Look for them. Watch out for them. Guys will communicate, they just do it differently. If he doesn’t make you feel important, doesn’t return calls when he says he will, doesn’t make an effort to see you, makes you feel less of a person, or if you say “He’s a great guy, but…”, walk away. You don’t need the heartache. If he wants you, he will make every effort to be with you. Your prince is out there. Don’t let him catch you with a dirty frog.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Transformation
“And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.” (Gen 2:22)
God presented the woman to the man as a gift, but some have abused this. We have been given bodies that men can’t resist and we know it. It is the ones that use this for their own satisfaction that have told men that we are deceptive people and should not be trusted. The pure ones have been trying for years to keep their bodies as well as their minds pure.
I have heard many men complain that girls are not dressing appropriately and are showing too much which make their minds run wild. I hate to admit it, but there are girls who dress to get attention. Yes, it is the wrong attention, but they think that it is ok. But what about the girls who have been trying to be pure and feel like we have to take on the purity of the world?
I took an oath of purity in 7th grade, a year before I found out that my dad had an addiction to porn. I knew what I was getting into. It was the year I found out that my best guy friend was also addicted. These were both great men after God’s own heart. I knew that if I didn’t take a stand, who would?
I was modest to the point where I was afraid to show even the slightest bit of skin knowing that it could make a brother stumble. I knew that I could not have that on my conscience. So I decided to cover the best I could, but I basically was a guy. In return I lost something. The gift that God had given me: being a woman.
I have been struggling with the idea that I am a woman. I know what your thinking, “That shouldn’t be hard to wrap your head around.” It isn’t that I’m struggling with being a woman but how to act as a woman of God that will not allow others to stumble.
I have to continually remind myself that guys will see me how they want to, even when I’m wearing the most modest clothing. Please don’t take my words the wrong way. Modesty is still very important, but wearing clothing that looks like a potato sack does not mean that a guy won’t look at you and fantasize. It took me many of my guy friends to convince me that it is not my fault if a guy stumbles.
Even though I couldn’t change the thoughts of guys, I could keep my mind pure. So I made an extra oath onto my purity, the mind. I have to say, it’s not easy. It is a beautiful struggle that will shape me for all of my life.
Some have asked me, “Would you change your past?”
My answer still stands.
No.
If it wasn’t for my past, I would not be who I am nor will I be the person I was created to be.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I don't know why, but lyrics have really been speaking to me. This is one of them:
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete
Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
...Why we're given grace we'll never deserve
And a second chance that we will never earn
For there is nothing I can do to save myself
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong
A mirror revealing
The depths of my heart
Then I will write
The darkest song
For without
Forgiveness
My soul is lost
All that is hope
Within destruction
Comes from you
For I have fallen
Fallen
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Life's Questions
What is beauty? What is art? What makes great art?
Who am I? What is my identity? What is my "style"?
Questions flow in my head and I never seem to find the answers I'm looking for. The main one(s) I have right now deal with the idea of having a personal style through normal everyday life and through my art work. Is someone going to be able to look at what I've done and automatically identify it as something I have created. Is someone going to look at something and say, "I can see her with this! It fits her style!"
Other questions I have had lately are ones of who I am through Christ, how he is molding me and am I going in the right direction.
Maybe these questions are never to be answered but revealed over time and through ordinary life. I dont know. I wish there was a manual with all my answers in it (which would be a huge manual... might end up being a novel!). Then again, I would have a very boring life. I should be happy with where I am and be listening for God's voice for the future.
